Friday 6th July 2018

It is 11.07pm. I really should go to bed since I have a full day tomorrow. I have spent the last couple of hours in front of my computer. Between reading my usual roster of gossip magazine online, I have been tinkering with the blog. I love the current look I have. It is intentionally minimalist. I plan to bring the color with the pictures. I have been tinkering because it just did not look right. The photo sizes were not coming up the way they did on the demo.

I go back to the theme documentation. I try to read it again. Try not to skip through anything. I am not really technical, so I have to find the way I am supposed to set up the theme. There is no winging it. Then I realize the page I had ignored because I thought it was related just to static homepage was the key. Very typical. Then I tinker again, and it looks just right. I am happy.

I am happy just for a moment before the self-doubt creeps in again. What if I do all this work and nobody reads it? What if all the time and money investment I am making into building this blog was a waste? What if I can’t keep up with posting pictures on Instagram and Pinterest and Facebook? Why don’t I just quit now? Afterall, I have quit a million times before. Read my about page. I am the queen of starting and abandoning blogs. I have no patience.

Then I quickly read another gossip page to calm my nerve and all the doubts. Then I realize something about me. I am more scared of success than I am of failure. It is really that simple. My greatest fear in life is succeeding. I know how to create ideas. I know how to develop concepts. The art of doing a brainstorm is second nature to me. I know how to write. I don’t know how to follow through.

My post on making Peach Lavender Lemonade scared me. I won’t lie. It really scared me because it showed me what I am capable of doing if I commit to the work. I can create beautiful recipes. Taking pictures is not my greatest strength but if I am patient, the settings would click and I would get something beautiful. So, I know I have the minimum required skills to write a good blog about food and style and all the things my heart wants to create.

I just lack the courage. Courage to know that going would be slow and the road long. The courage to validate my own work even when no one else sees it. Courage to redefine success away from accolades and focus on contentment. I lack the courage to understand that showing up is a form of success. Courage demands doing what needs to be done even when nothing else makes sense.

This form of discipline is what I lack. This is perhaps the most important skill I need to learn if I want to break my cycle of failing. I need to be courageous and keep showing up even when it seems no one sees or hears me.